I’m a Comedy Traffic School instructor in Sacramento, California. It seems there’s been a BIG misunderstanding about this new cell phone law we passed in our state. It doesn’t allow ‘hands free’ DRIVING! It allows ‘hands free’ CELL PHONE use! But it seems everyone is still either texting, grooming or reading the morning paper on their daily commutes.

So what publication do you read while driving? The Sacramento Bee? The Wall Street Journal? Personally, I’ve taken to reading the Christian Science Monitor. I want to reward and encourage progress, and any religious group that adds the word “Science” or “Scientist” to their religion, that’s major progress if you ask me!


Here they are, a controversial Christian faith with a history of letting people die because “prayer” didn’t work, but the real “scientist” part of their identity has somehow managed to produce a well-read, objective INTERNATIONAL newspaper. Unlike the disturbing trend of a growing number of major newspapers like “The Santa Barbara NewsPress”, The Christian Science Monitor actually HIRES objective, dedicated ‘journalists’ rather than FIRING them for not printing what the owner of the paper wants…


What is this ‘walking on the water’? Come on, what are you smoking? 3 days inside a whale?? Water to wine? Please, we’re Journalists! We’re Christian SCIENTISTS! Take that crap down to the National Enquirer!


Unfortunately as you may have heard, because of the competition of the internet, they’ve had to stop the daily edition of the Christian Science Monitor, replacing it with an online publication and a weekend print magazine edition. So now I’ve got to find something else to read in the car on my commutes. What I’d love to find is something like “The Southern Baptist Pragmatist”, or the “Catholic Atheist Reporter”, or even the “Uncircumcised Jewish Times”.


Yes, “The Uncircumcised Jewish Times”, that would be perfect! They could make big scoops about the truth behind the horrifying stories we were taught in Sunday School… like the one where Abraham was told by God to sacrifice his son Isaac on an altar. After researching newly discovered ancient manuscripts and the Dead Sea Scrolls, (which by the way, did you know the Dead Sea Scrolls was actually the predecessor to the New York Times?) they could report that the age old story of Abraham trying to sacrifice Isaac has been found to be greatly distorted.


It is true that Gabriel the Archangel had to make an emergency appearance and stop Abe just in the nick of time. But he was quoted by witnesses saying, “You deaf old man, we told you to CIRCUMCISE him, not SACRIFICE him!!”