(The following is in the spirit of an SNL style comedy sketch)
White House Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman of the Press Corp… The President of the United States!! (Bored Mumbling…’Whatever’…’Big deal’…’Dumb Ass’…Loud Yawns)
Trump: Good evening everyone, thanks for that amazing reception…Who said “dumb ass?”…I have fantastic ears! NO ONE has better ears than me, and I distinctly heard someone say “dumb ass”…(Silence, crickets chirping)
OK, how about I raise just THREE FINGERS to say hello to you all, and ask each of you FAKE NEWS reporters to READ BETWEEN THE LINES! Let’s get this waste of time started with the fake news metropolis of the New York Times, and their special handicapped reporter on the front row here…go ahead Serge.
Serge: (Speaking a bit slowly) Mr. President, You have been quoted praising Vladimir Putin on multiple occasions, while also tweeting that all the people “POURING IN” to our country are “VERY BAD”…Have you actually READ the U.S. Constitution?
Trump: (Stuttering mockingly) H-H-Have I ac-actually re-re-read the Consti-Consti-Constitution? Do I look like a lawyer to you Einstein?? What am I? I’m a REALITY SHOW SUPERSTAR and a REAL ESTATE TYCOON! Do you think I got this amazing by wasting my time? I’m a late night TWEETER not a lame BOOK READER. But in the past couple of weeks yes, I have begun to familiarize myself with it a little… What’s that first annoying section?
Serge: The BILL OF RIGHTS?
Trump: Yes, the Bill of Rights, UNBELIEVABLE, what a piece of Liberal work! I had no idea that the common people in America managed to get that much out of the Rockefellers! And it includes all MEXICANS, BLACKS and MUSLIMS? Are you serious? Look, everybody who’s anybody knows the only people with any “rights” in this country are members of SAG and the Hollywood Writers Guild.
Serge: Excuse me sir, Are you saying you don’t agree with the Bill of Rights?
Trump: What did I just say? Boy you really DO need a hearing aid don’t you? I just said, become a member of SAG and the Writers Guild and we’ll talk… Until then, I don’t have to let them into my hotels or let them play on my golf courses, and now that I’m Commander in Chief, why the HELL would I want to let any more of them into MY COUNTRY? OK, next question, let’s go with the old, ‘Statue of Liberty’ of Fake News, Andrea Mitchell from MSNBC…
Andrea: In every major poll, you have the lowest approval ratings in history, of any President entering office. A large and growing number of Americans are questioning your legitimacy to hold the office of President. Many Americans refuse to even use the title of President when mentioning your name.
Trump: All of which is FAKE NEWS of course…Unless they occasionally say something good about me, then it’s real journalism. By the way Andrea, is that make up you’re wearing, or did your Great Granddaughter take a water color set to your face?
Andrea: Mr. President, You understand don’t you, that you are the President of ALL AMERICANS, not just white Conservative Republicans?
Trump: Look you feminist “KRAKEN”, DO YOU UNDERSTAND that it wasn’t supposed to go down like this?…DO YOU UNDERSTAND I wasn’t supposed to win in the first place?? Pop quiz, one more time…What am I? WHAT AM I ANDREA??
Andrea: You really want me to tell you what you are? As I said already, you’re a spoiled little DUMB A –
Trump(cutting Andrea off): I’m a REALITY SHOW SUPERSTAR…THAT’S OBVIOUS to anyone with a pair of eyes, OK! This ‘Presidential campaign’ was just supposed to boost my ratings and popularity for my next big Hollywood show and the sequel to my book, “The Art of the FEEL”, as in “feeling up a hot chic’s-
Andrea: (Cutting Trump off) Yes we get the vulgar rhyme and implication…So you never really wanted to actually BE the President?
Trump: I’d say it just wasn’t the plan…We were sure that Americans would UNDERSTAND that this was just another reality show for entertainment… We didn’t think they’d be dumb enough to actually ELECT ME President…
I mean, why do you think I’m left to my lips-attached-to-my-ass kissing son in law Jarod? Because my real sons are PISSED beyond belief! They don’t have time for this White House distraction…Hell, I don’t have time for it, and the place smells like Rosie Odonnell’s ASS!
Andrea Mitchell: And how would you know what Rosie O’Donnell’s ‘ass’ smells like?
Trump: Have you ever slept at the White House Andrea? I’ve slept in more comfortable beds at a Holiday Inn Express… My wife Melania won’t even move to Washington, and WHO CAN BLAME her? She didn’t bargain for SLUMMING it like this when she accepted my Russian mail order bride invitation. Next question, let’s go with the FAKE NEWS CIRCUS of The Washington Roast, I mean POST, go ahead Robert Kosta…
Robert: Mr. Pres –(choking on the word) Sorry…Mr. President, during the campaign and specifically during the Presidential debates, you promised you would release your personal taxes. But now you have publicly announced that you refuse to do so. How can you go back on that promise? The American people want to see your taxes.
Trump: And I want to see Andrea Mitchell wearing a MASK at the next press conference. I don’t have anything to hide, but she really needs to hide that FACE! So I’ll make you a deal…Andrea Mitchell wears a mask from now on, and I’ll release my taxes. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m late for my half-hourly look in the mirror and hair adjustment…
Oh and if you FAKE NEWS jokers want me to answer any more of your FAKE NEWS questions, your networks better be promoting my new sequel to “The Art of the Deal” called “The Art of the FEEL” coming out at Barnes and Noble this Spring!
(Trump Off mic) Someone get Kelly Anne Conway to call Vladimir and ask him if I did a good job.
(Connie Bryan is a writer and comedian in Sacramento, CA…Check out all of her material on her website and blog at www.conniebryan.com)