"The following is Connie Bryan's unofficial transcript of part of the recent U.S. Senate hearing, questioning Inspector General Michael Horowitz about his report into whether there was bias in the FBI’s handling of the Hillary Clinton private email investigation...While it may not be exactly 'verbatim', it reflects the overall 'gyst' of the proceedings in Connie's opinion...In traditional Saturday Night Live style, picture Connie Bryan in the role of Senator Amy Klobuchar, Will Ferrell as IG Inspector Horowitz, and Alec Baldwin as the senior Senate Hearing Moderator/Chairperson)"
"Do you remember racist Alabama Governor George Wallace? Saying Donald Trump is more honorable than Hillary is akin to those who, in the face of all the bigotry constantly spewing out of Wallace’s mouth, tried to spin it that Wallace was in fact the “patriotic American” because he was a POPULIST GOVERNOR standing up for the “voice of the people” and for “STATE’S RIGHTS” (dog whistle talk for maintaining popular Southern prejudice such as voting restrictions and segregation that discriminated against Blacks)…And that President Lyndon B. Johnson, who so effectively shut Wallace down, was the corrupt politician."
"We can't find peace, happiness and healing for ourselves, or bring it to others, until we learn to 'think' correctly...until we learn what our true nature is, which teaches us what our purpose is. Do you spend a great deal of time asking for this kind of wisdom? The vast majority of people do not, and as a result their lives are full of pain, unhealthiness, unhappiness, selfish anger, bigotry, disregard for others' needs, discord and depression...All stemming simply from incorrect, unhealthy thinking about the nature of what they are."
"My 'SNL' style impersonation/comedy sketch featuring the typical California public school music and arts teacher today, in the wake of the disgraceful Trump election, teaching her second grade class the song "It's a Small World" (with minor adjustments to the lyrics)..."
"Mom: Listen Sweetie, Mommy and Daddy have all our retirement money invested in Exxon, Boeing and Halliburton, and don't forget you get to INHERIT that money when we die... Bobby: I don't want your money if that's how your getting it...Do you know how many hundreds of thousands of innocent people have died in Syria and Alleppo because of Trump's friend Putin, and his Russian bombing raids?"
"Our country's future depends on honorable Americans not tolerating this regressive, unethical and corrupt movement we are seeing. Our country's and our young people's healthy future here depends on your understanding right now that making money is GOOD, but ONLY if it is made morally and ethically...And that is NOT the legacy and foundation of the Trump name. On the contrary, we are seeing nothing but fellow like-minded BILLIONAIRES being appointed by Trump to his top cabinet positions, especially the one's dealing with the economy...There are so many corrupt areas encompassing the name and legacy of Donald Trump that it is hard to keep track of them all, both past and present. Honorable Americans cannot sit quietly and allow this unethical movement to go unchecked because of their claim that they are 'PRO-BUSINESS'."
"The truth is, you voted for Trump because he resonated with something else deep inside you, that you generally avoid admitting publicly. Oh, you'll vote for that 'something else' in a private voting booth, and you'll cheer for that 'something else' at a Trump rally. But in public (at least outside of your white Baptist church socials and your Wednesday men's golf league), you'll pretend such an accurate description of you is 'offensive'."
"Trump and those like-minded Americans DO NOT represent American ideals and values. They love to tell you that we are missing the point, and how this just shows how much they demanded CHANGE in Washington D.C. But we didn't miss that fact AT ALL...We all want to see honorable and ethical change in government...The deplorable truth that we all clearly see is that so many angry white Americans demanded Trump's disgraceful and bigoted brand of 'change'."
"We can start this movement, this rejection and repudiation of this disgrace of an excuse for a President, by simply REFUSING to ever refer to him as President for the next 4 years...Let's not even give him that honor. We just refer to him as "Mr. Trump". (This will drive his ego bat sh#t crazier than it already is, and it will drive his supporters even crazier)"
Drum roll please...Introducing our new FIRST LADY!...Yes folks, this pic [...]