‘STICK TO THE SCRIPT’ SKETCH JUST IN TIME FOR EASTER & PASSOVER…
Connie Bryan plays ‘Father McBride’, a Catholic Priest with only ONE MORE YEAR until retirement. McBride is feeling very guilty about a few things he is finally realizing, and goes to his Catholic Psychiatrist:
McBride: Thanks for squeezin’ me in to your schedule good man.
Doc: I’m more than happy to accommodate such a hardworking member of our Sacramento Diocese, you sounded really stressed out when you made your appointment, so what’s troubling you Father McBride?
McBride: Well it’s just that after 19 years of reading the prescribed sermons given to us by the Diocese, I finally decided to get a copy of the Bible and write my own sermon, and…
Doc: Hold it right there…You what?
McBride: I uh, I decided to dust off my copy of the King James Bible, and write my own sermon.
Doc: That’s your problem right there McBride. WE provide you the script every week, and you’ll be happy if you just STICK TO THE SCRIPT, like we told you in Priest Indoctrination.
McBride: Well I know other priests who write their own sermons.
Doc: They are approved official script writers by the Pope…They’ve been given membership in the Pope’s ‘Holy Writers Guild’ and guess what McBride: I’m looking at your personnel file here, and it looks like you haven’t…Why? Because they, UNLIKE YOU, have demonstrated that they are a ‘team player’, meaning they understand how to STICK TO THE SCRIPT with the sermons they write…
Doc (Cont): Think of the script as a ‘reality show’…Reality shows in TRUTH, are carefully controlled scripts – carefully controlled narratives, meant to entertain the audience while pretending to be what McBride? (Begins humming sarcastic theme from Jeopardy waiting for the obvious answer)
McBride: REAL??
Doc: DING DING DING, we have a winner!!
McBride: OK, well that’s disconcerting to say the least…because I recently took the time to actually READ the original script -The Bible – and it doesn’t hold an ounce of water.
Doc: Doesn’t ‘hold an ounce of water’?? We’re not asking you to serve AQUAFINA to your parishioners Father McBride, well we may have asked you to ‘sprinkle’ them with it and call it ‘HOLY WATER’, but that aside, we’re simply asking you to serve them wine and wafers, tell them if they don’t come to confession and most importantly TITHE like good Catholics, that they are going to Hell, and then JUST CHILL OUT for the rest of the week!…Now is that so hard McBride?
McBride: Yeah see that’s the thing Doc…The ‘SCRIPT’ is that the wine is not even just figuratively, but LIERALLY the BLOOD of Jesus they are drinking…The ‘SCRIPT’ is that the wafer is not figuratively, but LITERALLY the FLESH of Jesus they are eating…And I have young kids expressing an honest rejection of that, especially teenage girls with borderline eating disorders already, who are understandably refusing Eucharist because they are vegans and they are telling me they refuse to be ‘cannibals’, and their parents are telling them, ‘OK then you are bad and going to Hell.’
Doc: They are, The Bible says they need to drink Jesus’ blood and eat his flesh if they don’t want to go to Hell.. what’s your point McBride?
McBride: Well I found Pope Leo X’s famous quote as I was doing some research
Doc: Wait what? You were doing what??
McBride: My research.
Doc: Who told you that you could do your own ‘research’ McBride?? Did we tell you that you could ‘do your own research’ in Catholic Priest School? Or did we tell you what the script was, what you had to believe, and to STICK TO THAT SCRIPT? GET SCRIPT…PREACH SCRIPT…GET CHECK! Isn’t that what we taught you?
McBride: Yeah but, that’s not what Pope Leo said.
Doc: What did Pope Leo say?
McBride:’GET FABLE…PREACH FABLE…GET CHECK’… He was at a big banquet event for Good Friday and he said the whole thing was nothing more than a made up ‘fable’ for profit by the church… I wrote down his actual quote, it was documented by not one but TWO Cardinals who put it in their personal diaries, and it says, “How well we know what a profitable superstition this fable of Christ has been for us and our predecessors.”
Doc: You know who Pope Leo fondly reminds me of McBride? President John F. Kennedy… JFK was a maverick too, and just like Pope Leo, he didn’t like to stick to the script did he? And both he and Pope Leo had ‘short careers’ as I recall.
McBride: I’m not sure but, did you just…Did you just kinda threaten me Doc?
Doc: Heavens no! Are we dealing with some paranoia my good man? Maybe the thing you need is just a nice prescription of Adderall…You know, some legally prescribed amphetamines…help you get your focus back.
McBride: OK that wasn’t my imagination…You definitely just implied that Pope Leo met a similar fate as JFK, and you did so to further imply that such a fate could be in store for anyone who doesn’t ‘stick to the script’
Doc: McBride, you have what, one year until you can collect your priest retirement pension right?
McBride: See, there you go again Doc…I’m not stupid, your veiled threats aren’t so veiled.
Doc: What makes you think I was trying to ‘veil’ them McBride?
McBride: Good, so you can stop the BS of trying to claim I’m paranoid…Now let me continue about the research I did on my own in looking at the ‘official script’ of the Bible
McBride (Cont): As I said, just the initial very first story doesn’t hold water…It says Adam and Eve were like innocent children, and that they did NOT have the knowledge of good and evil – of right and wrong, when God allows Satan to come into their garden home in disguise, and deceives them into eating from, let’s see, WHAT TREE was it again Doc? (Hums the Jeapardy tune like the Doc did previously)
Doc: The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil
McBride: DING DING DING, we have a winner…So BEFORE they ate from the tree, allowed by God to be deceived by the Devil, they COULDN’T know what ‘sin’ was…OUR OWN SCRIPT admits they were completely innocent!
Doc: I think I see where this is going, and you need to shut the fuck up McBride and –
McBride: STICK TO THE SCRIPT?? But clearly the script is man-made BULL SHIT Doc! It’s just written to keep the masses in FEAR, it doesn’t teach them about the ‘true nature of God’, it doesn’t teach them about their eternal ONENESS as a part of what God is, no matter what religion they are a part of. And this first story is the foundation of all of the lies in the script…
McBride (Cont): The BS about original sin by Adam and Eve, and how they had ‘FREE WILL’ and chose to sin against God is obviously FALSE on its face when you read the ‘script’. The story says that they didn’t know what ‘sin’ was, so they couldn’t have had ‘FREE WILL’ to SIN against God. Without the knowledge of good and evil, they COULDN’T know they were ‘sinning’ against God, and even AFTER they were deceived in their childlike innocence, our script actually says that ‘God’ exclaimed: ‘They have BECOME AS ONE OF US’…
McBride (Cont) So let me wrap it up our ‘script’ with a bow: it’s OK for God and Satan to have the knowledge of Good and Evil, but Adam and Eve are CURSED and thrown out of the Garden for it?? Mankind is threatened with Hell because of innocent children being set up by their own Father, knowing they DID NOT have the knowledge to know they were being set up??
Doc: McBride, let me ask you a simple question: What state would the world be in if it wasn’t for the universal control of the Catholic Church and the script of Christianity we created? Do you not understand that simple question? Do you understand the importance of controlling the masses McBride? Do you think controlling the masses is accomplished with anything less than FEAR?
McBride: I think we need to stop trying to ‘control’ them with fear and we need to start finally HEALING THEM with ‘TRUTH’. It’s obvious when you look at the legacy of this ‘script’ of fear and control, that it has caused more divisive war mongering and genocide, mainly between Christians, Jews and Muslims, than any other reason in the last 2000 years.
Doc: So what you’re saying is you want to model yourself after JFK and Pope Leo? Is that what I’m hearing you say McBride? You want the TRUTH? Let me channel my best Jack Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! The truth is, as a Catholic Priest, you have been brought in to a BROTHERHOOD that has paid you well and expects one thing from you in return…STICK TO THE FUCKING SCRIPT!
McBride: No Doc, it is YOU who can’t handle the Truth…The TRUTH is the only truly evil ones in the Garden of Eden SCRIPT we wrote are ‘GOD’ and ‘SATAN’…and mainly God since he is all powerful and all knowing, and allowed the Devil to come prey upon his innocent children who didn’t even know it was the Devil…didn’t even know what ‘sin’ was, and then condemn his innocent children when they were deceived in that innocence.
McBride (Cont): The TRUTH is that WE the CHURCH are the one’s doing the BIGGEST SINNING of them all, lying to the masses telling them they are BAD by nature, when our own SCRIPT says, if you actually read it, that Adam and Eve were INNOCENT BY NATURE, deceived before they knew was ‘good and evil’ was, and then our own evil SCRIPT WRITERS blatantly LIE when they then pretend Adam and Eve caused their own demise by intentionally sinning before they knew what sin was…and if that isn’t enough, our own evil SCRIPT WRITERS have God ADMITTING that after eating from the tree, when Adam and Eve ironically finally DO learn what ‘sin’ is, our own evil SCRIPT WRITERS quote ‘God’ saying that Adam and Eve then BECAME AS ONE OF US, and then CONDEMN and CURSE them for being like God?? It doesn’t get more sick and evil of a depiction of ‘God’ than that Doc.
Doc: (Dialing phone)
McBride: Doc, did you hear me, who are you calling?
Doc: Oh I heard you alright…God you remind me of JFK so much, I’m calling the Cardinal and I’m recommending you be reassigned to the DALLAS Diocese…You have a year left before retirement?
Don’t worry, you’ll only have to serve there for no more than 6 months, 8 tops!
Connie Bryan
(Connie Bryan is a writer and comedian in Sacramento, CA, and host of ‘The Connie Bryan Show’ airing in 21 cable markets nationwide…Check out all of her material on her website and blog at conniebryan.com)
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